Focus

I haven't written the blog for one and half months! Not because I had nothing to write, but I had no time or no mood to write. After Harmony's born, my 'main duty' is to feed her. Since I didn't have enough breast milk to feed Sasa, I am afraid that I don't have enough breast milk to feed Harmony. When she cried after being fed, I was nervous that if she didn't drink enough because I was lack of milk. When she didn't gain too much weight, I would be afraid that if it's because of me---not having enough milk! It made me stress! Harmony had infant reflux so she would easily burp out quite a lot of milk! It made me discouraged because it meant she got less milk than she'd drunk.
Sasa is pretty good to Harmony and she's a sweet sister! Denis and I registered some summer camps for her but she didn't let Denis leave her, so he had to be with her for the whole class. As a result, we thought that she wouldn't ready for attend the rest of camps by herself, so we just dropped them. I felt disappointed as I saw other kids had so much fun in taking summer camps but Sasa only wanted to be with us. Although I understood it's not a big deal, I didn't feel good about it. She sometimes pretty attached to me which made me suffocate. I did my best not to get angry to her, so I suppressed my anger. When I couldn't hold it anymore, I would spoke to her loudly and she would cry and say that she doesn't like me to be serious and angry! Then I needed to explain to her why I behaved like this and to ensure her that I always love her.
Sasa doesn't want to go back to preschool. We had faced this issue before the summer holiday and we had dealt with it by doing some counseling sessions. She did better but now she always say that she doesn't want to go back to school as she only wants to stay with me! I have talked to my boss regarding this issue, and I prepared the worst senario would be keep her at home until she's ready for going back. Also taking care 2 kids by myself after my mother-in-law go back to HK makes me stress. I am afraid that I can't manage it well!
All these things make me stressful! However, I found that I focus on how much I can control and I am fear that things are out of my control. I pray for these things and I found that I want God to fulfill my need or want. I found that when I focus on myself, I lost joy! Only when I focus on God's grace and counting his blessings, I feel blessed and have strength to face challenges. I need to change my focus on myself to God!