Babysitter

As I am going back to work, Denis and I plan to send Elisha to a daycare in December. Why December? Because Elisha will be a year old by the end of November, and we think it is the earliest time for her to be 'independent'. ha! Well, before December, we will have a babysitter to take care Elisha. The babysitter will be our part time maid, Jojo, and she has experience in child care, so we think she is a good person to be Elisha's babysitter. Today, Jojo comes to 'practice' to take care of Elisha. Elisha still quite attaches to me when she sees me, so I have to hide from her to let her get along with Jojo. I can hear her crying and struggling, and I have to do nothing and wait till things are uncontrollable. It is not an easy task! I do not want her to be restless, but I know I have to train her to be self soothe and feel secure without my presence. At the same time, I have to train myself to let go and feel secure without being with Elisha. What if bad things happen to Elisha when she is with Jojo alone/at daycare? Would I be bad mom then? Would I blame for myself because I go to work and not take care of her? Yes, those negative thoughts come to my mind and I have to shoot those thoughts by prayers. Knowing that everything can happen to Elisha with or without me. I cannot give her full protection, but God does. God creates Elisha, God loves Elisha, and God protects Elisha.

Expectation

My daughter is 9 months old, and I found that when she sleeps well, eats well, digests well, and develops well, I am happy! When I sees her playing, watching tv, smiling, and laughing, I am happy! It seems that I can be happy for her by simple things. My expectation for her is that she can live happily and be a lovely person to God and people. I wish to keep my expectation for her as simple as it is and for her own good!!

Being with me

My daughter won't go to sleep at night if Denis and I are not there. She would be looking for us, and staying awake until we are back. Mostly, she is looking for me and waiting for me, and she would cry for picking her up when she sees me back. When I pick her up, she would quickly or instantly fall asleep. I sense that she feels secure and comfortable when she is in my arms. Of course, I feel pity for her because she can't sleep by herself even she is completely exhausted. However, I feel sweet because she wants me so badly and she is very satisfied when she finally in my arms!! I wish she will always be satisfied when she is with me!

Love My Daughter

I love my daughter and I want her to know that. Sometimes I am angry at her and I want her to know that too! She picks up my anger from my voice and facial expression, and so far her response to my anger is crying or screaming. I would leave her to cry and scream until I am cool down. I would pick her up and tell her why I am angry with her, then I would kiss her because I want her to know that I dislike what she's done, but I still love her!! I love her no matter what she has done! Like God, He loves me no matter what I have done!!

Nap

I used to nap whenever I wanted! I love napping because I feel comfortable sleeping on my bed and I will have an opportunity to see a handsome guy in my dream :) However, after Elisha was born, napping became a luxury to me. I can only nap when Elisha is napping. Sometimes, she needs me to tug her in, so I will lie beside her. She loves touching my face, well, more accurately is pulling my mouth, my nose, and my hair. She also likes playing my hands, or sucking my figers. In return, I will embrace her, stroll her hair, touch her face, and smooch her. Then, she will fall asleep, and sometimes, I will sleep with her. I enjoy all these moments as we are so close to each other!! I don't know when she will not need me to tug her in, and does not like me to be 'that close' to her! Therefore, I even more like napping now, but with Elisha!! Well, of course, I still like to nap whenever I want, but who knows when this can happen again!

Family Relationship

I find that family relationship is the most difficult relationship to deal with. We are so close to each other, so that we are very sensitive to each other's attitude, actions, behavior, and whatsoever. Because we are so close, it is easy to get hurt by each other. When we get hurt, we seldom confront, but gossip to other members. Therefore, more conflicts and misunderstandings happen among us. One will complain to other members how much he/she suffer from other member, and the listener, in most cases, will totally feel sorry for him/ her and feel angry to the one he/she complains. I always wonder why relatives would be like that? Why they take side without fully comprehend what really happened? Why they don't help each other to reconcile but further damage their relationship? What kind of example they set to their offsprings? All these questions always in my mind and remind myself that I need to be neutral when I am the 'middle person'. I don't want to create more problems because of me implusive reaction! I don't want my daughter follow the wrong path of dealing with family conflicts.

Parenting

I believe our childhood experience influences our character development, and our parents' parenting strongly relates to our childhood experience, so I always remind myself to follow the good parts of my parents' child raising style, but never repeat their parenting mistakes. Yet, it is not easy to do! In fact, sometimes I sort of understand why they did that to me as I would want to do it to my daughter too! However, I keep telling myself that understanding my parents is one thing, and 'harming' my daughter is another thing. I can have million excuses why I need to do that to 'discipline' her, but I have no excuse to damage her self-image or self-esteem or self-confidence or her inner security or her trust to me ... Therefore, I always pray that God helps me to raise her as a God's like and people's like person, and she will always see me as a loving mother to her!