Self Expression

Have you ever wanted to express yourself but you can't? You want to tell someone how you feel or what you think, but you can't. You want to open your heart and pour out your emotion, but you can't. Maybe you are too busy to express yourself. Maybe you don't have a person to talk to . Maybe you don't know how to face the consequences of your expression. Maybe you can't accept your own thought and feeling. Maybe you are too confused. Maybe all of the above. No matter what, it's hard to suppress ourselves, however, it's harder to open ourselves.

A sexy man

I have heard that when a man who is working, concentrating in doing something, or thinking deeply, he looks sexy. I won't object it, but a man who is wearing a turtleneck shirt looks sexy for me. (somebody needs to buy lot of turtleneck shirts, haa!!) Last night, I discovered another sexy look of a man, which is a father's holding his daughter's hands to put her into sleep. I saw a father's love, care and tender to his daughter when he's holding her hands and looking at her face. There was a bonding between them. They were so close! The man looked so sexy to me (well, I guess he's supposed to look sexy to me all the time, haaa!! hmm..I have another good excuse to ask him to put our daughter to sleep and so I could lie in the bed, look at the sexy man and be relaxed!)

Let go

In counseling, a counselor will advice a couselee to 'let thing go'. What is the thing? It could be an incident, a person, or a thing. No matter what it is, as long as the couselee hold tight with this thing, it will hinder the couselee to move on his life. There are different reasons for a person not letting 'it' go, but none of it would help the person feels better for his choice because he really feels he is holding back his life.
I know that I have to learn the 'let go' lesson as I believe that my life is stucked from not letting things go. I hold the 'thing' tight because I'm afraid of losing it which will make myself not complete. It's hard to 'let go' because I'm not sure what will happen after that. However, I realize that the only way I can be complete is letting God to be my centre. The only one who plans my life is God. Therefore, I pray that God will give me strength and persistance to 'let things go' and let Him show me his plan to me, then I can move on my life and my life will be completed.

Fortune

What is being fortune?
- being famous?
- being successful?
- being rich?

In this few months , I found that for me being fortune is
- having a quiet moment
- enjoying a cup of mocha
- enjoying window shopping
- driving safely
- chatting with friends
- looking Elisha's sleeping peacefully and playing joyfuflly
- getting along well with parents and in-laws
- feeling of being taken care by husband
- having a good health
- singing in church choir
- being invited to a party
- having supportive friends
- .........

Oh, being fortune can be that simple!

Enjoy the moment

Since I gave birth to Elisha, I read many baby raising books. They talk about how to raise babies and what obstacles parents are expected to have. Although there are many challenges in raising a baby, the books remind parents to 'enjoy the moment' with the baby. 'Enjoy the moment' reminds me that I often look back my life or worry about the future. Both of attitudes distract me from enjoying the present. Yes, I can't change the past nor can I control the future, but I really live in the present time. So I need to learn to appreciate and treasure the moment I am having and enjoy it because it's the only time I know I am having!

My 1st Mother's Day

This is my 1st Mother's Day celebrated as a mother. My daughter does not know what is Mother's day (she doesn't even know what a day is! ha!!) She did say 'Happy mother's day" to me (in her dad's voice !). She still is the centre of our attention although it's supposed to be my day! ha! Although she has no plan to celebrate this special day with me, she has done something 'unusal' today. She had more and longer naps than usual, and she did not scream like she had screamed in this few days, she drank her milk well. Because of her unusal behaviors today, I had a better sleep in the morning, I had time to watched about 4 tv programs taped in last weeks, and I did not get frustrated about her meal. It's just the half day of it, I don't know what will happen later, but so far, I enjoy what she's done to me in my special day, and I count it as her way to celebrate the mother's day to me!

Know you better

You don't talk much, but you have your opinion. You don't talk much, but you have sense of humor. You don't talk much, but you listen more. You don't talk much, but you talk what you mean. You don't write much, but you have an inspiration. You don't write much, but you write creatively. You don't write much, but people read your writing.

I like you to talk more, so I can communicate with you. I like you to write more, so I can see your creativity. Through your talking and writing, I can know you better!

Friendship

In this few days, I am bothered by a friend who seems to be not happy about me for few years, but I don't know what happened. I don't know why it becomes my concern, perhaps I don't feel comfortable when I meet her. I feel odd and ignored by her which hurt me much. Yes, it hurts and I have tried to bury my hurt for a long time. Although I want to find out if it's my fault which make this friendship deteriorated, I am afraid to ask. I don't know how she reacts if I ask, don't know how I react to her answer. I think I am still in a defensive mode and I tell myself that if she treasures me, she will let me know what happened between us. If she thinks I don't deserve to be her friend, that's her choice, and I need to respect her.

Sometimes I feel bad about not having a lot of friends, maybe I am not as sociable as I appear. However, I do have friends who trust me and share their inner feelings and thoughts to me. I would like to say thank you to them as they make me feel I have a special place in their hearts which make me warm! I don't have a lot of close friends, but I am glad that I have enough of them who are willing to listen to me, support me, walk with me, and accept the real me. I would like to say thank you to them as they make me feel I am valuable to them!

Not under control

Last Friday was my birthday and my husband and I had planned how to celebrate my birthday. On Friday morning, however, my daughter did not drink her milk well, so I got very frustrated. I told my husband that I did not want to do anything now as my daughter had ruined everything. Later, my husband tried to calm me and said let's go out and don't waste such a beautiful day. So that we went out as we had planned. We had a wonderful time.

I learned that most of the time not other people ruined my mood, but myself. It's me who feel things not under my control or out of my hand, so I blow up. It's me who need to learn how to adjust my perception and control my emotion, otherwise, I will be controlled by eternal factors which damage my internal peace.

My beloved

I'd showed my husband my blog and he asked me to write about him and our baby, so I have to write something about them. They are the most important people to me and they give me full of joy (of course, not always, ha!). Honestly, they are the most precious gifts God's given to me. My husband shows me what is love, what is patience, what is acceptance, and what is given and my daughter gives me opportunities to show them all to her. One thing I need to say thank you to my husband is no matter what I did, his love to me is never less. One thing I need to apologize to my daughter is sometimes my impatience makes me angry to her. One thing I need both of them know is I love them very much!!

Why writing my blog

I am not keen on writing, but after reading several blogs, I found that why not try to set my blog and write down something that I would like to share with my friends. Perhaps I thought that if something is unforgettable, it won't slip away from my mind, so why bother to write down. However, as getting older (something I don't want to admit, ha!), I find that my memory is not as good as it used to, I think it's because I need to spend a lot of attention and time to my daughter, and so I don't have much energy reserved for my own things. I guess writing the blog can help me to refresh myself and hopefully I can enjoy this little private time for myself. The most important reason for this blog is that I wish I can hear your feedback so that we can know each more.